Tony Stark – in his own words
Tony Stark. Genius. Billionaire. Playboy. Philanthropist. He holds different meanings for different people. To his ex-wife and his numerous flings and ex-girlfriends, he was anasshole, brat, and a prick. To his charity foundation and its numerous beneficiaries, he was a god-sent angel. But to the world, he was IRON MAN. All of this was known to his artificial intelligence butler, Alok Nath. Since the euphoria of Tony Stark becoming Iron Man and him being catapulted to international scrutiny and paparazzi, the mystery of how his magnificent island mansion at Malibu, California 90801 was run was pervading the public psyche. At one glitterati event, when Tony was point blank asked about this question, he replied that his house was run by a very smart artificial intelligence program designed by him. On further prodding, he answered that it was named JARVIS, which Alok Nath later diagnosed to be an after effect of the alcohol-overdose earlier at the party, to which he just blurted out a random combination of six alphabets. After a week of intense media speculation, not to mention global social-media debates, people finally gave the name a stupid-jargon-full-form-that-humans-inadvertently-use. They sort-of-proclaimed-named him JARVIS :short for Just A Very Intelligent System. Such a silly and obnoxious name given to the world’s most advanced computing system was nothing short of sacrilege. And for such a grave mistake, Alok Nath had never forgiven Tony.
The stupid name and logo that they gave me – Alok Nath
But the story of JARVIS..oops ! I mean Alok Nath is also very interesting. At a night similiar to the one when Tony dropped the JARVIS-bomb, Tony was in the arms of one of his many one-night-stands. In his drunken stupor, he had made the mistake of blurting out that he would dump that b**** like so many before her. This incensed her beyond control. Latika, that was her name, went away from him that moment, and in the immense power of fury that a scorned woman possesses, broke the windshield of Tony’s favourite Mustang. But before she went, she realised that it would hardly dent Tony’s income or his conscience. So she did something that would positively haunt Tony for – well at least the foreseeable future.
The thing was, Latika was a senior scientist at MIT, who was charmed by Tony, so she knew more about computers than the average population. So Tony showed her the finished project of his – the world’s most advanced artificial intelligence system. That was in the final stages and within a day Tony was going to launch it. Latika then went ahead and reprogrammed the software a bit, and finished it. The end-result was that next day Tony got the biggest shock of his life when he was awakened to the chants of Hare Rama Hare Krishna at 5 am in the morning. A quick update told him what had happened and now it was too late to make any changes, Tony would have to spend almost a day to revert and reboot the program back to the original specifications, which Latika knew would not happen. The end result was that Latika had won. She had ingrained in the program, the Indian values of culture and traditions, prayers, chants and hymns – in short ” sanskaar “.
Truly said – Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
My true sanskaari photo – you may even google me !
Thus this was the start of a very tumultuous relationship for both Tony and Alok Nath. Waking up at sun-rise and listening to Hindu chants was only the beginning. The situation today was such that Tony had not been even near a girl since six whole months, let alone anything more. You just cannot escape from a virtual assistant like Alok Nath. The system was made such that it was with you the whole time- 24/7. Whenever he did anything un-sanskaari, which included loud music, women, parties, booze, fast driving ( in short everything ); he had to endure hours of lecture from Alok Nath on why and how he was an un-sanskari person. How he will rot in hell for all the ” paap ” done by him. All of these were punctuated by the most chaste of Hindi abuses and slang that anyone could possibly know of – for Alok Nath’s sanskaar permitted him to abuse a prick like Tony.
Tony could endure all of this only because he was too busy designing a new army of suits, especially the crown-piece of them : MARK 42; and saving the world from baddies like Loki & Co. Now came the day when he finally had a moment of peace to himself. Tony went to his palatial drawing room – which puts most people in awe – sometimes Tony himself ! – and shouted music! Immeditely a sitar began playing and the lyrics of OM JAI JAGDISH began playing. In exasperation he went to the fridge to grab a beer and then realised the there was no more alcohol in the house. He instantly in a rage shouted Alok Nath, and had a short and fiery argument which also was the last argument Alok Nath ever had. This is how it went :
Stark <screaming> : Alok Nath ! ( he did not respond to JARVIS or anything else anymore since he got the acronym stuck on him )
AN : Yes please. What more can I do for you? (And in an undertone muttered- As if I am already not doing your laundry also )
Stark : What is the meaning of this? And this is how you talk to me ?
AN : I had said the truth . And the truth needs no meaning to be explained-as was said in Rig Veda shlok….
Stark <cutting him off> : Do you think I bloody care ! Why is there no booze in the house ?!
AN : I would appreciate better language but as you have already secured a one-way trip to hell, let me tell you I had had all the alcoholic beverages thrown out of the house, and the precious wines auctioned, with the un-sanskaari money being used for sanskaari work like your father’s foundation.
Stark <his blood boiling> : How dare you do this ? While I was busy with the Avengers, how the f*** did you get the guts to do this ?
AN : …….Your presence would have complicated things…………. But beta its for your own good.
Stark <in a rage> : You do not let me party, have fun, be with women. How do you expect me to live?!
AN : As our sages lived ! Become a vegetarian ( secretly noting that he had to make sure no more meat comes in the house ), denounce women, alocohol, sins – in short become a Brahmacharin. You should do some surya-namaskar everyday at sunrise, followed by yoga and meditation. The bliss that you would achieve-the attainment of enlightenment-will be the ultimate objective of your life. Trust me you would love me for telling you this.
Stark <absolutely livid> : I would kill you for this …. <walking off>
AN : And then I would make you like a true sanskaari purush, maybe then your paaps will lessen. Then I will plan for you a holy dip in the Ganges along with a pilgrimage to Lake Mansarovar and then meditation in Rishikesh ……. < droning on, not realising that Tony had walked off >.
Stark had by then went to his bedroom and decided to take matters in his own hand. Comfortably ensconced in his plush bed, he clapped his hands and a virtual screen floated in front of him. ” Show me some quaity porn “, Stark said with smug satisfaction. Then he had the second rude shock of his life. “No more porn available. “, the screen said as vanished away. Tony Stark screamed in the loudest voice that he could muster, ” Alok Nath-you are officially dead ” , and ran down to his home mainframe, where his data drives were stored. The next day a new virtual assistant was in place which had the sensous voice of a new and upcoming Hollywood diva – Carlett Ohansson. But all in all, one thing had to be admitted, Dr. Banner would have been proud of his shout !
Alok Nath, you are officially dead.